3am

I am not myself today.
It is 3am and I,
A valiant knight,
Am doing battle.
It is here again.
The strangler.
By day it whispers,
The guise it wears,
A cloak of shards.
Half formed fragments.
“But what if..?”
“Worst case scenario…”
Idea upon idea,
All leading to the inevitable.
Failure.
Its enemy is distraction.
Pretty things, pretty words.
An unshakeable belief,
That  it is ridiculous.
To those in the know,
It is conspicuous.
Though every now and then,
I have been caught unaware.
A stray thought,
Twisted into nightmare.
Taking absence,
From here and now.
Beckoned by it’s
Harpy caw,
To indulge it’s make believe.
To forgo rationality.
Drink deep it’s draught of
Madness and drown.
Daylight gives me strength,
To vanquish it before it
Digs too deep,
Into my lungs.
Yet in dream,
When thoughts are still,
No guard remains.
It climbs languid limbs,
Alights upon my chest.
And squeezes.
Until air is a vice,
Heart is a hammer,
And darkness seeps in.
This is it, this is how it ends.
It drags me from all rest,
Sleep forgotten.
Bambi kneed, knuckles steel,
The windowsill upholds me.
I look out upon the street.
There is no fanfare,
No audience to bear witness,
To this test of wills.
There is just me and  it .
The world is silent.
No one will know.
Who will find me,
If  it wins?
A vicious cycle.
I must break free.
Or break.
I am not myself today.
Today I am anxious.
Tomorrow I will try again.

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