Wish You Weren’t Here

This is completely fictional – the fever dream of a writer forced to write out of their comfort zone! 

It’s been over a year since Ed Sheeran’s fall from grace, but now the plucky Singer-Songwriter is planning his comeback tour – starting with Manchester’s Victoria station. We’re told that the 35 year old was spotted last week on platform 3, busking for his supper, in an ensemble that was more Primark than Armani.

Not everyone wanted to hear Ed sing, as our music correspondent revealed. “A number of angry commuters jeered as Ed strummed away on his Martin guitar and one women even threw a Greggs sausage roll at him.” British Rail declined to comment when sources claimed that the impromptu concert had caused unnecessary delays to local services.

Since his split from childhood sweetheart Cherry Seaborn, 35, Ed has been in and out of rehab. “Ever since his last album didn’t receive a BRITs nomination he just completely lost it” a source tells us.” It’s sad, really sad that he went from being on the A Team to being a z-list nobody. Ed used to have his pick of A List BFFs but now he’s friendless and penniless.” Cherry wants nothing more to do Ed, an insider tells us; she’s had enough of his behaviour. Cherry and was seen last week entering the Ritz with Irish musician Hozier, 35. Ed’s former beau was pretty in pink in a Gucci dress, matched with a simple pearl necklace.

In a candid interview with NME, Ed said that “addiction is a powerful thing, whether to drugs, alcohol or to fame itself.” At rock bottom he was spotted arguing with a waxwork of Elton John. Ed added, “I’m very ashamed of the things I’ve done and I want to personally apologise to Elton for the terrible things I said to him.” 

Next month that former star is set to release his new album BODMAS. Ed wants to get back to basics, with a fusion of folk and pop which set him on the path to fame initially. “I’d lost touch with who I was and what I was writing music for” Ed said. “Then it came to me, I’d put everything in the wrong order.” Since the announcement he’s uploaded several photographs of pigeons to Insta, breaking his previous social media hiatus. Ed has also posted several unusual TikToks blasting One Direction darling Harry Styles. “It’s time to reconnect to my fans. It’s not about being perfect, so long as they give me love I can keep making music.” It’s a drastic change to his comments in 2019, when the former star said that he wanted to see more of the world and vowed to abandon social media.

When asked about his plans for a future tour Ed said “I’ll probably try Blackpool North next, I hear the people there are friendlier than Manchester. I need at least a few quid to buy a chip butty.” 

Whether his latest stint at The Priory will help him onto the road to recovery, only time will tell. We wish him luck for his upcoming album release. Seen a celeb in the wild? Tweet us with your sighting #Spotted.

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