So this is utter farce which I wrote due to the lovely but slightly odd people I work with. It’s utterly tongue in cheek and comical but I had such a lot of fun writing it. I didn’t really have any silly pictures to add with it, so here’s a picture of a tit. Hope you enjoy it! 🙂
Our story starts in a place you may be familiar with. You may even be there right now, as you read this. Our story starts in an office. A normal office. Full of normal people. Or at least people who allege that they are normal. Anyone who has ever worked in an office will come to realise that the inhabitants are anything but normal.
Scott. Scott appears to be a normal man, a man in reasonable health, a man who completes his work every day. Little do his colleagues know that by night he becomes an evil genius, plotting nefarious plots; menacing his hometown.
Mirror man. Mirror man has asked that we keep his identity a secret, after all, it is a secret identity. Mirror man hums his theme tune every day at work. His colleagues do not like it.
It would be easy to assume that in the close confines of an office, given time and enough inane conversations about the quality of the toilet paper, these two unlikely nemeses would crack, confess their rivalry and bring about wholesale destruction. Or at least push the vending machine over on to the next unsuspecting person who decided that a mars bar was worth more than their life. Vending machines kill 13 people a year. The protests of a vendor rocked against its will form the soundtrack of office life.
It would give the employees something to talk about.
“Do you remember poor…”
“The one the vending machine crushed?”
There would be much tutting and eulogising before someone remembered how great the last episode of Game of Thrones was and the conversation turned to that instead.
Alas, neither broke character and passed each day as “generic office worker #3464” completing their work and even attending the much-dreaded work social event.
Humanity deserved torment. Every day, each new email had pushed Scott closer and closer to the brink of villainy. Until late one night, whilst watching Arrow, Scott had realised something. Something important. Something that would change his life forever. Scott realised that he could be the villain that humanity needed. To help those in need of Darwin find out the joy of survival of the fittest, to be that little push off the precipice of sanity. Yes, Scott would help people. All he needed was a superhero name and a superhero outfit.
So long as it didn’t involve anything too criminal, because Scott was a little squeamish, he would dedicate this life to super villainy in the only way he knew how.
Mirror man’s origin story was much less impressive. Nothing is a more effective lure to energy drinks than insomnia and relentless admin work. Energy drinks were the office currency, they even had their own special name. Biddly juice. Every Friday to celebrate the end of the working week the employees would drink biddly juice and get biddly. This particular Friday Mirror man had been especially adventurous and downed 4 cans.
Rather than suffering cardiac arrest Mirror man became so biddly he felt the universe speaking directly through him. The sugar rush was so intense that he managed to run to the local Poundland, obtain a black jumpsuit, a balaclava and 1000 hexagonal mirrors in his allotted 10 minute break.
No one asked why Mirror man spent the afternoon gluing the mirrors to his suit.
No one was brave enough to want to know.