Panic! At the social event

Right! Right. Right, right, right. Right? I’m here. Being here is the main thing. Being here with three cannibals, four axe murderers and one woman, so beautiful that she intimidates me. Right. I’m sure they’re all nice people. Well, maybe not the axe murderers. If you axe murder, you’re probably not a nice person. Cannibals are probably ok though, if you talk to them. Just got to talk to them. Know what I’m not very good at? Talking. I’m really great at fading into the background. Deep background, the architecture. Just going to be a pair of black curtains. Well not a pair, I’m all alone. Look at me, hanging here. Black curtain, black clothes, black mood. Actually don’t look at me. Stop looking. I am a chameleon. Hi, hey, hello. Just a little chameleon here. I’m really great at looking at stuff. Look at me, here, looking at stuff. “Howdy.” Wooooow. Did I really just say howdy to the most beautiful woman in the room? What am I? John Wayne? KARMA CHAMELEON! I just turned red. It’s part of my chameleon powers. So red, I’m sure the exact shade has a name. Something like – POW, idiot red! Ok, she’s stopped looking. Time to resume being a curtain. Everyone seems to be having a good time. Everyone that is not me. I am having the opposite of a good time. The cannibals have formed a cannibal corner. Even the axe murderers seem to have quit axe murdering for long enough to have a dance.

Yes! Finally a familiar face. Am I being clingy? I mean I’m not physically clinging to her, but do I resemble a barnacle? Going to just attach my little limpet arms and let her drag me around in her current. OH NO. What do I do? I can’t exactly follow her into the toilet. Can I? Hey, don’t mind me, just loitering in the ladies toilet. Looking weird. Is standing outside better? She’s been in there an hour! Well, five minutes, but it feels like an hour. I’m the creepy guy. Yeahhhhh. Creepy guy, stood outside the toilet. How many ceiling tiles are there? Is looking at my phone better or worse? Better or worse? What I need is alcohol. Or to go home. Home is good. I’ve been here, I’ve shown my face. Been a curtain, been a chameleon, been a weirdo. No one will notice I’ve gone. I’m just going to go. Right! Right. Right, right, right. Right? Bye.

The night is a welcome relief, the cold air fills my lungs. It’s only then that I realise I have been drowning. The streets are quiet, slowly my thoughts ebb away and all is calm once more.

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